How to decode estate agent sales patter

Estate agents are notorious for talking up their properties in order make a sale. We break ranks by publishing the true meaning of their jargon.

“The property has excellent transport links”, for example, means “there’s a motorway or railway next to it”.

Here are some of the fibs told by estate agents, and their translations:

“The property has excellent transport links”
There’s a motorway and or busy railway line right next to it

“In need of modernisation”
This property hasn’t been updated since the 1970's and needs a complete refit

“An ideal purchase as your first three-bedroom home”
You can barely fit a bed into the third bedroom

“Set within a purpose-built residential development”
This property is in the middle of a large housing estate

“A cosy property in a rural location”
This property is small and the nearest shop is 20 minutes’ drive away

“Easy-to-maintain living space”
It’s really incredibly small

“Conveniently located”
Next door to a busy main road and above a take away

“Unexpectedly re-available”
The previous buyer pulled out at the last minute due to major problems or the surveyor revealed that the property was vastly overpriced

“Reduced”
Desperate

“Within easy reach of local schools”
Kids will congregate outside your house at lunchtime and drop litter all over your driveway.

“Ideal for the first-time buyer or as a buy-to-let investment”
The property’s small and in a terrible area

“Tremendous scope for improvement. A real blank canvas”
Derelict

“In need of some updating and offered with no onward chain”
An old lady has recently died in the house and it hasn’t been decorated since she originally moved in 50 years ago

“A garden flat”
A dark and most probably damp basement flat

“Bordering the sought-after area of North Clapham”
The property is actually in Stockwell

“The property has many character features” 
The ceilings are extremely low

“Low maintenance rear garden”
The garden is concrete

“Situated in a stamp duty exempt area”
Situated in a deprived part of town

“New price!”
This property was massively overpriced in the first place

“ Character….”
Dilapidated

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